I Had a Dream

It seems that there is finally more attention being called to caregiver fatigue.  I personally believe that it is a very real thing.  As Tyler's Dad there were always two times of stress; the stress of what was happening, and the stress of what I was afraid was going to happen. Even when Tyler was relaxed, I would be thinking of the next time there was a problem. There was always the next trip to dread, the next doctor appointment, or the next health problem.  

I would call caregiver fatigue "waiting-for-the-other-shoe-to-drop-itis".  Trust me, I don't know a single caregiver that WANTS to feel that way...we all understand that it's not healthy, but it becomes a matter of conditioning.  

Have you ever driven all day and then you lay down at night you and feel like you are still moving?  That's how a caregiver feels, like the stress is an ongoing perpetual thing.  It's about being exhausted when you still can't fall asleep.  It's your ears picking up every sound and movement even when everything is still.  

I've not been Tyler's caregiver for the last 16 months.  Fortunately the stress levels have slowly receded, but they are far from gone.  I continue to attend therapy on a regular basis to help me talk about the anxiety and try to make some peace with it.  I don't believe that it will ever completely go away, but my hope is that it will continue to improve as time goes on.

My current battle seems to be with restless sleep and nightmares.  The nightmares focus on the two things that haunted me for the last 25 years.  The first is getting into a situation where Tyler was in trouble and I couldn't save him.  This nightmare strikes at my need to constantly protect him and control the risks around him.  The second thing in these dreams is that Tyler hurts someone or something and I can't stop it.  Again, it hits directly to the heart of my need to create this safety bubble around Tyler.  

Its a sobering fact that I'm still experiencing the anxiety over a year after his move.  That shows how powerful and unrelenting that the stress really is at the time.  I made a terrible mistake underestimating it, and I only hope that by reading this, other caregivers think about what is going on in their own mind and body.  Consider how you are eating, sleeping, and handling stress.  Always be open with your doctor about what is happening.  Consider counseling even if you think you have everything under control.  Confide in others like friends and family and welcome them to be open to tell you if they notice any changes in you.  In other words, put your mental health on the radar, place it on the priority list, and keep it there.

Be well and God bless.    Tom