Aggression Part 3

In the previous entries we talked about the background of Ty's aggression as well as the affect those behaviors had on all of us.  In this entry I would like to talk about some of the things we did right, and some of the things we did wrong during all of these years.

Granted, its easy to use those words now "right" and "wrong".  At the time we were simply trying to survive the day with nobody getting hurt.  Much of that involved carefully crafting the world around him to avoid his triggers.  This could get to be a very exhausting effort.  In our defense, I think we were always trying to make decisions through his point of view. Regardless of the situation we would say "how will Tyler do with this".  Whether planning a vacation, buying a house, or moving a piece of furniture, it was priority number one.

I ask myself now....was that actually the right thing to do?  Sure it made things "easier" for Tyler which in fact made things more comfortable for us, but did it also allow him to become too much of a creature of habit.  Did he come to expect that he could rely on his comforts and not have to develop ways to manage his anxiety about new things?  In retrospect I believe we should have been pushing his boundaries more.

We can think back to his school days.  There was often discussion as to whether Tyler should remain with his classroom and his teacher (Miss Sue) year after year, or if he should be moved into different classrooms in order to broaden his experiences in school.  We knew we had a wonderful, protective, and loving teacher already so there was no way we would give her up.  Tyler respected her and loved her like another parent.  So in that respect there was no question that he was safe and loved.  The counter argument had its merit as well. Perhaps he was not allowed to get used to being handled by other teachers so long as we kept him in that class.  On this one I think I would do it the same way all over again.  His school years are good memories for him and for us and many special needs kids unfortunately can't say the same thing.

But we did make mistakes for sure.  I was guilty of allowing Tyler to see me as his primary caregiver and not allowing Robin to do the same.  Whenever there was conflict I whisked him away and calmed him down.  In my frustration I would critique Robin on how she could have avoided the situation.  Even though I was trying to make things better I was doing the opposite.  I made Robin feel incompetent and I didn't empower her.  I also made Tyler feel like I was the only one who could make things better for him.  My intentions were right but I was hurting everyone.

I think Robin would agree that in the early years she would have wanted to be more assertive with him.  She often got her feeling hurt by his behavior (which who could blame her) and allowed that to show to him.  This actually affirmed to him that she was a viable target of aggression.  Trying not to take things personally was an extremely difficult thing for her to do.  To her credit, she did work harder on this toward his later years with us, and their relationship had improved significantly in that regard.

I do think back on these things.  But I remind myself that when you are in the "thick of the battle" you are only able to get through that minute, that hour, that day.  There is no perfect solution to any of the issues above.  Emotions get in the way, life gets in the way.  If you feel as though you are doing the best you can, that is all you can ask of yourself.

I will wrap up this subject in the next post with just a summary and some additional thoughts.

Be well and God Bless.   Tom