"I'm so sorry"

No...I haven't offended someone with something I have written (that I know of anyway).  It's part of a conversation that goes something like this:

Me - "My son is severely autistic"

Other Person - "I'm so sorry"

I understand the context which the person is typically saying this  They are usually saying that they are sorry that some children are born with debilitating conditions.  Or they are perhaps saying they are sorry for the extra stresses they imagine accompany raising a child with autism.  I take the statement as one of empathy and compassion.

It's that next statement that makes me wince...."it must be such a burden".  I try to take a deep breath and remember that the other party is not trying to be as insulting as that sounds.  But what I hear is:  HE must be such a burden.

The dictionary definition uses the words "load", "forced to carry", "oppressive", and "heavy" when explaining what a burden is.  And the feeling that the word carries is one of loathing and regret.  

I've encountered many emotions in my 27 years as Tyler's dad, but loathing and regret have never been included.  I see Tyler as a young man before all else.  Not an autistic young man, just a young man.  His autism may be pervasive but it does NOT define him.  It is what he has, but it is not who he is.  

I too am sorry.  I'm sorry that he won't ever have a wife, or children.  I'm sorry that he has anxieties and pains that we can't truly understand, much less alleviate.  But I have never, ever seen Tyler as a burden.  He is my son.  He is a charming and handsome young man.  He appreciates love and he gives love.  He deserves to live in dignity and respect.  Most importantly, despite his disabilities, he soldiers on...he attends his daily workshop, he attends and donates to his church, and he lives peacefully in his home.  He carries his own weight in this world and then some.  Of course he needs assistance, but he is not a burden.

So when someone wants to show sympathy to the overall circumstance, accept that for what it is intended to be.  But if the word "burden" comes across, I suggest you think twice before letting it go by.  It may be the perfect time to gently but firmly defend the dignity of your loved one.  If they are at all like my Tyler, they've earned it.

Be well and God bless.    Tom