Most everyone has experienced it in their lives...you encounter someone with a disability or abnormality and you find yourself feeling uncomfortable. You have no intent to be rude or disrespectful but you simply freeze up. As humans we are imperfect creatures even when we have good intentions.
My coworker, I will call him "Doobie" is someone I look forward to visiting with. He is an extremely smart guy who knows a lot about our business. He has a sharp-tongued wit that's as quick as a whip. But another thing I really like about Doobie is his unflinching honesty about his spinal cord injury. He holds his head high every day and treats his disability as a fact of his life that does not define who he is. And he is so right....it is not who he is. Spend two minutes with him and his attitude is all you see, everything else fades to the background.
For dinner tonight I went to the home of an old friend and his wife and children. Being with all of them is a blessing while on the road. His children are beautiful and his wife is a treat to sit and talk to. She loves to look at family pictures, talk about the latest events, and exchange stories. One other reason I respect her tremendously is she doesn't let being deaf ruin a fun conversation. She is a devoted wife and mother and a terrific friend to hang out with. I could only hope to someday have her strength and courage.
After dinner on the way back to the hotel I thought of my friends, and I thought of Tyler. Tyler loves people who like him for who he is. He wants nothing more or less than the same respect and courtesy afforded to any person. He doesn't want people to shy away, or to pity him. He wants people to laugh with him, talk to him, and engage him.
My life would be significantly less rich without Doobie, and Bethany, and Tyler. They have so much joy to offer and there is so much I continue to learn from them. They are unique in a world where unique is in short supply. All they ask in return is to be afforded the same personal engagement as everyone else.
If you ever feel that uncomfortable feeling again, smile, look that person right in the eye, and ask them how their day is going. The conversation will carve its own path and before you know it everything else will fade away. Don't be afraid you will accidentally say something wrong, or look at the wrong thing, or not understand on the first try. These fears are designed to keep good people away from each other. Instead, let their grace surround you and teach you.
Be well and God bless. Tom
Thursday, January 26, 2017
Monday, January 23, 2017
Tyler Update
Good Afternoon!
It has been a while since I updated everyone on how Mr. Tyler is doing.
Winter is a fickle thing for Tyler. I don't think he is a huge fan of it. But I also think there are some things that go on inside his brain when winter arrives. Its hard to be sure if it's a chemical change due to a lack of natural light, or some other unknown internal clock issue. Whatever it is, it can make him more quick tempered. It also seems to make him a little down and depressed at times.
So here we are in the middle of January. Somewhat lucky because we haven't had the snow and ice to navigate thus far. There has also been a lack of bitter cold which also helps Tyler. But it does seem like there has been some crabby behavior lately, although nothing major.
There have also been some staff changes which never helps matters. All caregivers hate when those two words are put together: staff changes. Each new staffer will need to build a trust level between them and Tyler, which is not easy. There are times where Ty just flat out refuses to get along with somebody, whether or not the reason makes sense to anyone is highly debatable. I don't blame the agency on this, its simply the nature of this environment (I sure wish it wasn't).
The good news is, overall his health has been very good and he has generally remained a happy guy. The house still has plenty of awesome staff that know him very well. Each week I still get pictures of Tyler chomping on chips and salsa at his favorite Mexican restaurant, so things can't be all bad.
His life is very different in so many ways than mine, but some things are very similar as well. There will be times when he has everything right where he wants it, and other times that he just has to wait until that old second wind comes along.
Be well and God bless. Tom
It has been a while since I updated everyone on how Mr. Tyler is doing.
Winter is a fickle thing for Tyler. I don't think he is a huge fan of it. But I also think there are some things that go on inside his brain when winter arrives. Its hard to be sure if it's a chemical change due to a lack of natural light, or some other unknown internal clock issue. Whatever it is, it can make him more quick tempered. It also seems to make him a little down and depressed at times.
So here we are in the middle of January. Somewhat lucky because we haven't had the snow and ice to navigate thus far. There has also been a lack of bitter cold which also helps Tyler. But it does seem like there has been some crabby behavior lately, although nothing major.
There have also been some staff changes which never helps matters. All caregivers hate when those two words are put together: staff changes. Each new staffer will need to build a trust level between them and Tyler, which is not easy. There are times where Ty just flat out refuses to get along with somebody, whether or not the reason makes sense to anyone is highly debatable. I don't blame the agency on this, its simply the nature of this environment (I sure wish it wasn't).
The good news is, overall his health has been very good and he has generally remained a happy guy. The house still has plenty of awesome staff that know him very well. Each week I still get pictures of Tyler chomping on chips and salsa at his favorite Mexican restaurant, so things can't be all bad.
His life is very different in so many ways than mine, but some things are very similar as well. There will be times when he has everything right where he wants it, and other times that he just has to wait until that old second wind comes along.
Be well and God bless. Tom
Sunday, January 22, 2017
Its a Beautiful Day
It has been foggy all day today. It's wet and cold. I have to go on a business trip tomorrow which means I will be missing my family, my dogs, and my bed all week. My Dallas Cowboys are out of the playoffs. Tyler had a week with some aggression. The political climate is stressful and ugly.
Wait......so HOW is this a beautiful day???? Have I gone mad???
I am alive. The weather has an almost spring-like feel to it. The city I'm going to will be fairly warm and sunny, and the money I am paid puts food on the table. The Cowboys had a good season and the future of the team is bright. Tyler is safe and with people who will help him and love him no matter what. I live in a country where I am free to write this blog.
Its all about perspective you see. And as a very smart spiritual leader said to us today, you have to see the dark in order to appreciate the light.
Negative experiences have an extremely important place in our lives. They are teaching tools. They make us appreciate the good experiences. They are still steps in our journey which leads to bigger rewards. Missteps are still steps.
Our attitude is what determines a bad day or a good day. WE control it! I think so many of us forget that so easily (me included).
Be the light for someone else. A call from you, a visit from you, a hug, a kind gesture, could be the spark that the other person needs. Show your faith through the example that you set. Decide now that EVERY DAY WILL BE A BEAUTIFUL DAY because you have been given the opportunity to walk this journey. Don't ever waste it.
Be well and God bless. Tom
Wait......so HOW is this a beautiful day???? Have I gone mad???
I am alive. The weather has an almost spring-like feel to it. The city I'm going to will be fairly warm and sunny, and the money I am paid puts food on the table. The Cowboys had a good season and the future of the team is bright. Tyler is safe and with people who will help him and love him no matter what. I live in a country where I am free to write this blog.
Its all about perspective you see. And as a very smart spiritual leader said to us today, you have to see the dark in order to appreciate the light.
Negative experiences have an extremely important place in our lives. They are teaching tools. They make us appreciate the good experiences. They are still steps in our journey which leads to bigger rewards. Missteps are still steps.
Our attitude is what determines a bad day or a good day. WE control it! I think so many of us forget that so easily (me included).
Be the light for someone else. A call from you, a visit from you, a hug, a kind gesture, could be the spark that the other person needs. Show your faith through the example that you set. Decide now that EVERY DAY WILL BE A BEAUTIFUL DAY because you have been given the opportunity to walk this journey. Don't ever waste it.
Be well and God bless. Tom
The United Front
We have a "typical" daughter. That is to say she is bullheaded, willful, and maddening! She is also kind, artistic, and beautiful. How she gets all of this into 4 feet of girl body I'll never figure out. Right now, at age 7, she is fairly certain that the world is round and it evolves around her wherever she goes. When she wants something she isn't beyond trying the old method of "divide and conquer". Unless we provide a united front we have no chance!
Presenting a united front is an extremely important element in managing a special needs situation. Everyone has to be on the same page. Notice I didn't say everyone has to agree with each other. You don't have to reach 100% agreement to be effective. In fact, having two separate points of view is a GREAT thing so long as you can reach a compromise on a solution.
Here are some tips I would recommend based on my experience:
1. Establish WHO is the ultimate keeper(s) of the gate. Outside opinion is extremely helpful and I believe the more trusted opinions you get, the better. But there has to be clearly identified captains. Robin and I had no problem listening to doctors and taking advice from friends and family, but we knew that ultimately we had to decide what was best for Tyler and the family unit. We had built relationships where this was respected which just made everything more effective. If you have someone who is not willing to respect that boundary you have to make this clear.
2. The captains must be able to work together. Compromise is SO important. There cannot be concern about who is right and who is wrong. Every effort needs to be made to find a cohesive solution. There is no place for EGO here.
3. Decide beforehand what the solution is going to be and then apply that solution. When it appears there is agreement beforehand, it portrays more strength
4. Do not undermine the team or allow the team to be undermined. When you make a decision together, carry it out together
5. Whether the course of action works out perfectly, or crashes and burns, do not worry about assigning blame, or claiming credit. Win as a team, lose as a team, learn as a team.
6. Finally, support the team with everything you have. Commit fully to being the best captain you can be. Try your best to leave selfish emotions on the shelf
The core of having special needs is that the person needs someone to make decisions for them that they cannot make for themselves. Its a tremendous responsibility that must be done with honesty, integrity, and selflessness.
Stand together and stand strong. Tom
Presenting a united front is an extremely important element in managing a special needs situation. Everyone has to be on the same page. Notice I didn't say everyone has to agree with each other. You don't have to reach 100% agreement to be effective. In fact, having two separate points of view is a GREAT thing so long as you can reach a compromise on a solution.
Here are some tips I would recommend based on my experience:
1. Establish WHO is the ultimate keeper(s) of the gate. Outside opinion is extremely helpful and I believe the more trusted opinions you get, the better. But there has to be clearly identified captains. Robin and I had no problem listening to doctors and taking advice from friends and family, but we knew that ultimately we had to decide what was best for Tyler and the family unit. We had built relationships where this was respected which just made everything more effective. If you have someone who is not willing to respect that boundary you have to make this clear.
2. The captains must be able to work together. Compromise is SO important. There cannot be concern about who is right and who is wrong. Every effort needs to be made to find a cohesive solution. There is no place for EGO here.
3. Decide beforehand what the solution is going to be and then apply that solution. When it appears there is agreement beforehand, it portrays more strength
4. Do not undermine the team or allow the team to be undermined. When you make a decision together, carry it out together
5. Whether the course of action works out perfectly, or crashes and burns, do not worry about assigning blame, or claiming credit. Win as a team, lose as a team, learn as a team.
6. Finally, support the team with everything you have. Commit fully to being the best captain you can be. Try your best to leave selfish emotions on the shelf
The core of having special needs is that the person needs someone to make decisions for them that they cannot make for themselves. Its a tremendous responsibility that must be done with honesty, integrity, and selflessness.
Stand together and stand strong. Tom
Saturday, January 21, 2017
Aggression 4
A very nice lady asked me yesterday if I had any advice for parents that have a younger child that seemly is becoming more aggressive. It seemed ironic since this week my blog entries have centered on this very subject. In my experience here are a few things that come to mind:
1. Do NOT feel ashamed. Don't try to hide it from everyone else
2. Do NOT blame yourself. You are not a bad person or a bad parent. You are not being "punished"
3. Sound the alarm to your doctors. This may be an issue that can be dealt with through medication, therapy, or other methods. Unless you impress upon them that something is happening, the proper help will not come
4. Find out what resources are available. When the aggression escalates you have to realize you are in over your head. The sooner you have help on board the better
5. Do NOT wait. These issues rarely get better on their own and can rarely be "fixed" without professional intervention
6. Keep your emotions in check. Its very hard but you must remain stable. Don't escalate the issue by trying to go "toe to toe" with the aggression. Nothing good comes out of escalation
7. Have safe ways of de-escalation. There are techniques that can bring the temperature down on a situation. Therapists can help with this
8. Safety first. Try very hard to ensure all parties are in the safest circumstances possible
9. Do NOT take it personally (easier said then done but try). When love doesn't work love them even more
10. Lastly, do NOT try to apply rational wisdom to irrational situations. You have to think outside the box. Think about what the child is seeing, hearing, and feeling to find the possible triggers
Nobody will laugh....you won't be judged.....you should not be ashamed. If anyone does this they are not part of your team anyway.
Be well and God bless. Tom
1. Do NOT feel ashamed. Don't try to hide it from everyone else
2. Do NOT blame yourself. You are not a bad person or a bad parent. You are not being "punished"
3. Sound the alarm to your doctors. This may be an issue that can be dealt with through medication, therapy, or other methods. Unless you impress upon them that something is happening, the proper help will not come
4. Find out what resources are available. When the aggression escalates you have to realize you are in over your head. The sooner you have help on board the better
5. Do NOT wait. These issues rarely get better on their own and can rarely be "fixed" without professional intervention
6. Keep your emotions in check. Its very hard but you must remain stable. Don't escalate the issue by trying to go "toe to toe" with the aggression. Nothing good comes out of escalation
7. Have safe ways of de-escalation. There are techniques that can bring the temperature down on a situation. Therapists can help with this
8. Safety first. Try very hard to ensure all parties are in the safest circumstances possible
9. Do NOT take it personally (easier said then done but try). When love doesn't work love them even more
10. Lastly, do NOT try to apply rational wisdom to irrational situations. You have to think outside the box. Think about what the child is seeing, hearing, and feeling to find the possible triggers
Nobody will laugh....you won't be judged.....you should not be ashamed. If anyone does this they are not part of your team anyway.
Be well and God bless. Tom
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