Visits with Tyler

We were able to visit with Tyler a few times over the last two weeks.  It had been 11 months since we were last able to see him in person, which was extremely difficult.  Fortunately with everyone adjusting to new protocols, we have been able to make brief visits with him.

Our first visit a few weeks ago was nerve-wracking, at least for me.  I knew he would recognize us, but would he become overwhelmed emotionally by seeing us again.  After all, he doesn't have any idea how long it has been, or why it might have seemed like such a long time.  We showed up with masks on which probably wasn't going to help matters.  He was somber.  It appeared this was likely his mood before we arrived, and our presence did nothing to change this.  He looked up a few times and stayed mostly expressionless and quiet.  We tried coaxing some words or expressions out of him but it wasn't to be.  After about 30 minutes we said our goodbyes and left.  We wanted to feel some sense of optimism from it all, but those attempts felt hollow.  The truth is, we were devastated to seem him looking grim and lonely within himself without the power to change it.  These changes in him began appearing long before COVID, but the pandemic has certainly exacerbated it.

Our second visit this past weekend went much better.  It was a beautiful, but cold day, so we took him for a drive-thru lunch and a drive along the river.  He seemed much more awake and responsive this time.  His sister asked if she could buy him a milkshake as a small token of her loving and missing him.  Of course we allowed her to, and he enjoyed every drop. Tyler also enjoyed the nice long drive along the river and rural areas heading back to his home.  I did notice some emotion in him as we settled him back into his chair, as though it was hard for him to transition from us back to the house again.  The ride home was more optimistic this time with all of us looking forward to the small things we can do on future visits.

I wish I didn't bounce from heartbreak to joy so quickly.  Seeing him places me in an emotional spin that makes me dizzy.  I love seeing him, especially when I can see that we are lifting his spirits.  But those days where he is somber and emotionally out of our reach, it is soul-crushing.  It is so difficult to explain because of how difficult it is for me to make sense of it myself, but jumping back to the hyper-vigilant mindset for such a short period of time is disorienting and scary for me.  Its like when I pick up a bowling ball after a couple of years....things that were automatic are now strenuous, and what seemed effortless is now clunky.  It might look similar to how things used to be, but they are very different.  

There is much upside to think about however.  We are now able to see Tyler and make sure he knows we are still here and that we still love him.  He has maintained his health and is ready to expand his life again when the time comes.  And warmer weather is not too far away so we can look forward to short walks and fresh air with him.  

Be well and God bless.  Tom