Walking Forever

I was thinking a lot about Tyler today.  This happens quite a bit especially when I am traveling and spending time alone.  My thought was how I wish I could have even just one hour where we could converse as normal adults.  One hour where he could understand everything I had to say and he could express his feelings as well.  But what would I say?

First I imagine that we would take a walk together.  Just a father and son walking through the park having a conversation.

"Son first of all if you hear nothing else I want you to know how very much I love you and have always loved you.  I've never been disappointed or embarrassed with you.  In fact, it's always been the opposite, you have always made me proud.  You are more courageous than I could ever be.  I hope you know that we always did the very best we knew how to do.  Every time we made a decision it began with thinking about what would be best for you.  I know I was not a perfect dad.  I made mistakes and I only hope you can forgive me for decisions that went wrong.  I miss our walks together.  I miss those times where you laughed so hard that couldn't catch your breath.  I hope you were always happy and felt loved and respected.  Most of all I hope you are happy in your new home. We had to recognize that you were not a little boy anymore.  We had to be sure you had a secure future passed what we were capable of doing.  You didn't do anything wrong and our feelings about you did not change.  You needed more than we could give.  We became older and more tired as well. I'm sorry for that.  All we can hope for is that we made the most of our first 24 years together to give you happiness to last a lifetime.  As long as I have breath I will be here for you.  I love you"

Then I think he would tell me some of the things he never had a chance to say.  Or perhaps he would just be content to walk and to listen.  I would give anything to hear his voice and listen to how he feels.

Someday Tyler and I will walk that way together.  We will spend eternity shoulder to shoulder, all of those earthly pains and chains merely fallen away.  Our legs will never get tired.  The sun will shine and the air will be crisp and comfortable.  He will embrace me, and his Mom, and his sister and any sadness we ever experienced will be long forgotten.  We will indeed have joy in the morning.

Be well and God Bless.  Tom