Double Edged Sword

Good Evening,

We got to visit with Tyler a few times over the last 2 weeks.  He is continuing to do an amazing job in his residential home.  I'm so happy that HE is happy.  

Just this week I picked him up to meet us for some pizza.  As soon as he got in the car with me, he began to do the familiar habits we always had together.  He started to imitate my little physical driving habits the way he has always done. He pretended to hold the gear shift the way I do.  He wanted me to say and do all of the little things that he was always used to. Its almost like he never missed a beat.  We went and had a nice dinner.  Afterward, he was completely at ease heading back to his house and settling in.  In fact, once he did settle in, he was eager for me to leave him to get back to his "normal".

As his Dad, who loves him so much, it's a hard thing to reflect upon.  After so many years of caring for him, I waited for the day where I wouldn't be so needed by him.  It isn't easy to be someone's primary caregiver.  Every thought, or idea, had to start and end with how it would effect him.  There is no question that having someone depend on you heavily every day is a draining experience.  This holds true whether you have a child with special needs, or a parent with cognitive difficulties.  At times, it made me feel like I couldn't think for myself, or care for myself.

On the flip side, there is the new feeling of Tyler not needing me the way he did before. Watching him ask me to leave his space so he can get back to his routine leaves me with a very bittersweet feeling.  What the heck is wrong with me??

The truth is, I was his caregiver for 25 years.  In 25 years I became extremely conditioned in our environment.  In that time there became a stark difference between what I knew to be true, and what my emotions were telling me.  My head operated on one level, but my heart was always on a slightly different level.  

So when Tyler smiles and waves goodbye so eagerly, my brain is very happy that he feels so comfortable in his home, but my heart hurts because he doesn't need me the way he used to.  I don't want to be his "everything" anymore, but I hate the feeling that comes along with it.

My takeaway is that I have to follow my brain on this one, and try to soothe my broken heart. His emotional well-being is what is important, not my own.  And just as he has had to figure out how to fill his life in a different way, I must do the same.  

Be well and God bless.     Tom