It's ugly.
The very sound of the word is like a punch to the stomach. The feeling it gives is even worse. No matter how much I feel as though we have done all of the right things, and no matter how well things are working at the moment, the guilt never completely goes away. And no matter what I am doing there are always those times when it's just me, alone with my thoughts, quiet, and it finds it way in.
Did I mention.....GUILT IS UGLY
That feeling of guilt also shows how much I care about my little man. It shows that I wish for all the world I could be the hero for him every day. It means I care about his well being more than even my own.
Feeling guilt is one thing but acting on it is another, and most usually a mistake. Guilt is primarily a selfish feeling that asks us to make ourselves feel better rather than staying on an objective course. Guilt is NOT objective.
When I feel that ugly feeling I do try not to ignore it, but rather I think it through. I basically give it one free pass to rattle around my brain. And then comes the important part; I remind myself that I love him and that I have done absolutely everything I've known to do the very best way I could. And then....I let it go and go on. And though I know there will be another round of guilt at some point, I will be ready and it won't get the better of me. No matter how ugly it tries to be.
Be well and God Bless. Tom
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