Birthday Party

 

Today we had a small family celebration for Tyler's 24th birthday.  This was the first time his extended family would have the opportunity to spend a little face time with him.  He would also have a couple of staff members with him, which was nice so that our family could meet some people that work with him every day.

We knew that this would be a test for him since this was his first opportunity to have a lot of family back around him.  The possibility of him feeling overwhelmed was quite real.  We tried to tilt the odds in our favor by choosing a less-busy time and getting a whole area to ourselves.

As caregivers we know that the only predictable thing is that the situation will be unpredictable.  I would love to have some feel-good story to tell about how warm and fuzzy and perfect everything went, but that isn't the reality of it.  As has always been the norm, there were up and downs.

Tyler came into the back room of the restaurant and of course we were all excited to see him.  Our exuberance may have thrown him just a little, as this was a lot for him to process.  I helped get him settled into his chair and after a couple of moments of him staring straight down and trying to get his head around what was happening, he perked up a bit.  He seemed to want my attention very early on and kept very focused on me throughout the party. 

He happily ate his onion rings and pizza, but didn't seem too eager to focus on much except his food and me.  As soon as he was finished eating he began pointing to the exit.  He was ready to go.  This was not a good sign.  Once Ty makes up his mind to hit the exit there is little to persuade him otherwise.  I asked for some gifts for him to open so that it would distract him.  It didn't distract him, but rather it made him angry.  His head went down and he started to hit at his caretaker.  In a last ditch effort to salvage the situation I took him to the bathroom where he giggled about us washing our hands and tearing off paper towels and throwing them away.  Fortunately once he got back to the table this diversion proved valuable in buying us enough good will to sing happy birthday, blow out his candle, and eat his cupcake before getting him packed up to go.

Outside he eagerly got into the caregivers car and was happy to get going again.  We said goodbye through the passenger window, which he smiled and said "I love you", and he was once again gone.

The family was understanding that this was our first attempt at a family outing so we would be happy with even small victories.

I needed some time to reflect on how I felt about the outing.  I couldn't help but to feel some disappointment that it didn't go a little better.  I hated that he felt he needed to act out.  I also felt bad that Ty was so focused on me that he didn't seem willing to enjoy the others who had come to see him.  On the other hand, it was so great to see him.  He looks very well groomed, clean, and healthy.  And watching him get into the car I couldn't help but wonder if his new home and caregivers are becoming more his source of security than what we are now.  It makes it hard to know how frequently we should push him to see all of us, and how to do it to minimize his anxiety.

The answer is that there is no right answer.  We will just have to arrange for Robin and I to see him again with a short visit and see how it goes.  And to try to keep our expectations modest and to simply be thankful for the blessings of each visit.

Be well and good luck.  Tom