Bullying is a subject that always seems to find its way into the news at regular intervals. Schools are certainly trying to do what they can to control the issue, but they can't be everywhere all the time. The solution starts at the home, and other entities have to do their parts as well.
I remember a few instances where Tyler was bullied. Thankfully his environment was always very tightly controlled, but even with that, it could still happen. One such issue was described to us as a typical boy holding onto the bill of Tyler's cap and refusing to let it go. Tyler became angry and frustrated at the feeling, which caused him to become extremely aggressive until he calmed down. Another such instance was in a restaurant with a caregiver, where a boy began mocking the sounds that Tyler was making. An adult male, who was sitting at the table (I assume his father) began laughing and playing along. Fortunately, Tyler didn't understand what was happening, but his caregiver surely did.
These are 2 extremely minor incidents, yet they made us feel absolutely horrible for Tyler. The incident with the hat was a little easier to dismiss as stupid playground behavior, but the restaurant incident sticks with me. These were people that went out of their way to mock Tyler in a public setting. Worse yet, the father laughed and played along. Obviously the child learned that to mock and bully someone would gain him adult approval. What an awful example to set.
Sadly, bullying occurs every day. Sadder still, the problem is not just limited to the children. Adults can be seen bullying other adults on television, in the workplace, and everywhere else. But it is the special needs children that are especially susceptible to the problem. Our kids are not physically, mentally, or emotionally able to handle the problem, and may not have the ability to properly relay the problem to authority figures. It may truly lead to situations where they have no defense at all.
Melania Trump has a public platform against bullying called "be best". This is meant to denounce bullying of any kind, including cyberbullying. Its a noble cause, as we know that bullying has lead to suicides as early as the age of 10. Cyberbullying is particularly destructive because it can be so easily spread and so difficult to control. I really do commend her for her efforts.
Unfortunately, she has become the very symbol of why bullying is so dangerous. She, with the national platform, has made it a matter of convenience. With her husband beside her launching twitter rants, often containing unfounded accusations, name-calling, and veiled threats, she goes silent. She literally became the enabler for the very cause she made as her national platform. The message it sends is loud and clear...fight bullying unless it is happening too close to home. Worse than all of that, is the meager attempt at defending his actions by saying that the people essentially "asked for it" by being in the public eye. Its beyond my knowledge of words to describe how crushingly bad that is to the real fight against bullying.
If you think I am reserving this for Melania Trump only, I'm not. One would only have to watch 2 minutes of any "news channel" to find people trying to scream over the opinions of other people. You could also watch the debates going on in Congress to see all the name-calling and half-truthing that you could possible stand. Its everywhere.
BUT....the solution has to start SOMEWHERE. And that somewhere has to involve the people at the top being held accountable for their own bullying behavior. They cannot get a free pass. We can't say that bullying under any circumstances is wrong, and then turn around and accept it from the person that is supposed to be leader of the free world. When you do that, you might as well shut down the "be best" campaign, and keep a box of sticks at the doorway of every school for the bullies to use.
Melania chose to make anti-bullying her mission. Awesome. She has been given her test in a big and difficult way, and she fell spectacularly on her face. Not so awesome. By failing her own cause, it is not some cute thing that can be debated on the news programs, it is a failure that genuinely hurts every child and special needs person who could be bullied in the future. She just said it was "ok". And that my friends, is the saddest truth of all.
Be well and God bless. Tom
Wednesday, December 18, 2019
Monday, December 16, 2019
Tyler and the Christmas Season
He doesn't care about Christmas. The end.
Perhaps it's not QUITE that simple, but this really does sum it up for him. Christmas was a time that of course we all wanted to gear up for gatherings, presents, and the cheerfulness of the season. For Tyler, much of it was quite the opposite.
What we saw as a cute photo opportunity with Santa, he saw as some stranger in a red suit making him sit on his lap. What we saw as cool new toys wrapped in wrapping paper, he saw as distractions keeping him from his old toys that he wanted to play with. What we saw as visiting and gatherings, he saw as overstimulating crowds.
I always try to put myself in his place by thinking...what if I crash landed on a deserted island, didn't know the language, understand the customs, or knew what was going to happen to me next? This is how he lives his entire life. Christmas is not something he understands the way we do.
When he was very small, we had an easier time getting through the holidays. Tyler liked to go along with whatever we were doing. But as he got older, things changed. We would buy toys for Tyler that we thought he would enjoy, or that we thought would help him learn new skills. Many of these toys would sit, untouched, in a corner of his play area, or in a closet. As he became a teenager, opening gifts would actually make him angry, so we would have to spread the gifts out over a number of days, or wind up opening them ourselves. As often happens with customs and abstract things that he could not understand, we struggled to let them go. What kind of parents were we if we didn't buy our child lots of presents? What kind of parents were we if we didn't give him the joy of Santa and Holiday parties?
For Tyler, and all individuals with special needs, its about giving them what they truly want and need that is important. Some may be excited with the lights and the joy surrounding Christmas, while others may need it to be more intimate and quiet. We now get Tyler a gift basket full of treats and sweets that we know he likes. We also take Tyler out for his favorite Mexican dinner and spend some time with him. We also get him a few gift cards to eat his favorite foods throughout the year. We might get him some new clothes if he needs them (which he rarely does). In total we might get him one or two gifts to open. It feels sad to even type that statement, as he deserves as many gifts as we could possibly bestow upon him, but when he gets angry at opening presents, who am I to argue? That's the unfortunate irony, he deserves so many gifts, but he doesn't want them. Not material gifts anyway.
I do remember one fond memory at Christmas that I will always hold onto. We were living at a former house, and Tyler was about 10 or so. We had discovered that he loved ball pits at the local play land places. We found a blow-up version that would hold hundreds of these plastic balls. We set it up on Christmas eve, and grabbed the camera Christmas morning. He came down the steps and looked around the corner. You could see him take a second to process what he was seeing, then he ran full speed, jumping straight into the pit. By the sounds he was making, we could tell that he was thrilled to have it. Eventually the actually pit would deflate so often that it became a major pain, so we dumped hundreds of balls into a kiddie pool, and kept this in his room. For months we would hear him launching himself into the pool early in the morning, or catch him sleeping in the pit overnight. It was one of those lightening strike types of things that we would always work hard to find.
If you are a special needs caregiver, and you struggle during the Holidays, you are far from alone. After all, we have the things that we picture as being the way a Holiday is made. We also have the world around us advertising how we should celebrate. Then we have the special needs way of doing things, which often physically and emotionally conflict with everything else. It can actually make the Holidays more stressful and even isolating. We want to be able to tell stories about our children passing out from excitement at that one really cool gift, but often the experience is quite different. It's ok...thats the world we live in.
Its important for us to remember, that caring for our loved one is the most important thing. Our greatest gifts to them, and to each other, is to provide a strong spiritual foundation, a loving environment, safety, and security. Everything else is just red suits and flashing lights.
Have a very Merry Christmas and Happy Holiday season! Tom
Perhaps it's not QUITE that simple, but this really does sum it up for him. Christmas was a time that of course we all wanted to gear up for gatherings, presents, and the cheerfulness of the season. For Tyler, much of it was quite the opposite.
What we saw as a cute photo opportunity with Santa, he saw as some stranger in a red suit making him sit on his lap. What we saw as cool new toys wrapped in wrapping paper, he saw as distractions keeping him from his old toys that he wanted to play with. What we saw as visiting and gatherings, he saw as overstimulating crowds.
I always try to put myself in his place by thinking...what if I crash landed on a deserted island, didn't know the language, understand the customs, or knew what was going to happen to me next? This is how he lives his entire life. Christmas is not something he understands the way we do.
When he was very small, we had an easier time getting through the holidays. Tyler liked to go along with whatever we were doing. But as he got older, things changed. We would buy toys for Tyler that we thought he would enjoy, or that we thought would help him learn new skills. Many of these toys would sit, untouched, in a corner of his play area, or in a closet. As he became a teenager, opening gifts would actually make him angry, so we would have to spread the gifts out over a number of days, or wind up opening them ourselves. As often happens with customs and abstract things that he could not understand, we struggled to let them go. What kind of parents were we if we didn't buy our child lots of presents? What kind of parents were we if we didn't give him the joy of Santa and Holiday parties?
For Tyler, and all individuals with special needs, its about giving them what they truly want and need that is important. Some may be excited with the lights and the joy surrounding Christmas, while others may need it to be more intimate and quiet. We now get Tyler a gift basket full of treats and sweets that we know he likes. We also take Tyler out for his favorite Mexican dinner and spend some time with him. We also get him a few gift cards to eat his favorite foods throughout the year. We might get him some new clothes if he needs them (which he rarely does). In total we might get him one or two gifts to open. It feels sad to even type that statement, as he deserves as many gifts as we could possibly bestow upon him, but when he gets angry at opening presents, who am I to argue? That's the unfortunate irony, he deserves so many gifts, but he doesn't want them. Not material gifts anyway.
I do remember one fond memory at Christmas that I will always hold onto. We were living at a former house, and Tyler was about 10 or so. We had discovered that he loved ball pits at the local play land places. We found a blow-up version that would hold hundreds of these plastic balls. We set it up on Christmas eve, and grabbed the camera Christmas morning. He came down the steps and looked around the corner. You could see him take a second to process what he was seeing, then he ran full speed, jumping straight into the pit. By the sounds he was making, we could tell that he was thrilled to have it. Eventually the actually pit would deflate so often that it became a major pain, so we dumped hundreds of balls into a kiddie pool, and kept this in his room. For months we would hear him launching himself into the pool early in the morning, or catch him sleeping in the pit overnight. It was one of those lightening strike types of things that we would always work hard to find.
If you are a special needs caregiver, and you struggle during the Holidays, you are far from alone. After all, we have the things that we picture as being the way a Holiday is made. We also have the world around us advertising how we should celebrate. Then we have the special needs way of doing things, which often physically and emotionally conflict with everything else. It can actually make the Holidays more stressful and even isolating. We want to be able to tell stories about our children passing out from excitement at that one really cool gift, but often the experience is quite different. It's ok...thats the world we live in.
Its important for us to remember, that caring for our loved one is the most important thing. Our greatest gifts to them, and to each other, is to provide a strong spiritual foundation, a loving environment, safety, and security. Everything else is just red suits and flashing lights.
Have a very Merry Christmas and Happy Holiday season! Tom
Saturday, December 14, 2019
An Empath
5 years ago I sought the help of a threrapist. I knew that Tyler would be leaving us soon and I wasn't sure how I would handle such a difficult adjustment. I didn't want to go through it without an allie who could help me look at things objectively.
One of the very first things I described to him was this inexplicable feeling I had that I could feel things that were going on around me. It made me feel a little crazy in a way. I wasn't trying to suggest that that I had some super power, but that I had some sensitivity that made me feel things within other people. Like I could instantly tune in to a persons wavelength like most people tune into a radio station.
A week after starting therapy, Robin Williams committed suicide. We discussed this in therapy and my doctor confided that many of his patients were hit hard by this but he wasn't sure why exactly. Deep down I did know why. I just didn't understand what it was I knew. I could sense that under the comedian fecade that he felt immense pain for people around him.
There is term called an Empath. Many wonderful people have the ability to understand what another person feels. A person with empathy can look at a situation and put themselves in the other persons shoes. An Empath is a person that automatically feels the emotions of others, without making a conscious effort. In other words, an Empath reads emotions and places themselves in the minds of other people without intentionally doing so. This was exactly what I was describing to my therapist. I was an Empath.
It's very hard to be an Empath. Those who are not empathetic frustrate us. We struggle to understand why there is so much pain around us. We struggle with people who seem unsympathetic to the needs around them. The hate drains us like a negative life force.
If you have tremendous empathy, or you are so sensitive that you are an Empath, you should view this with a sense of pride. Withou empathy, we cannot hope to help others. It's only by putting ourselves in someone else's shoes that we can find compassion.
Be well and God bless. Tom
One of the very first things I described to him was this inexplicable feeling I had that I could feel things that were going on around me. It made me feel a little crazy in a way. I wasn't trying to suggest that that I had some super power, but that I had some sensitivity that made me feel things within other people. Like I could instantly tune in to a persons wavelength like most people tune into a radio station.
A week after starting therapy, Robin Williams committed suicide. We discussed this in therapy and my doctor confided that many of his patients were hit hard by this but he wasn't sure why exactly. Deep down I did know why. I just didn't understand what it was I knew. I could sense that under the comedian fecade that he felt immense pain for people around him.
There is term called an Empath. Many wonderful people have the ability to understand what another person feels. A person with empathy can look at a situation and put themselves in the other persons shoes. An Empath is a person that automatically feels the emotions of others, without making a conscious effort. In other words, an Empath reads emotions and places themselves in the minds of other people without intentionally doing so. This was exactly what I was describing to my therapist. I was an Empath.
It's very hard to be an Empath. Those who are not empathetic frustrate us. We struggle to understand why there is so much pain around us. We struggle with people who seem unsympathetic to the needs around them. The hate drains us like a negative life force.
If you have tremendous empathy, or you are so sensitive that you are an Empath, you should view this with a sense of pride. Withou empathy, we cannot hope to help others. It's only by putting ourselves in someone else's shoes that we can find compassion.
Be well and God bless. Tom
Friday, December 13, 2019
Greta Thunberg
All of us who live life in the autism spectrum hope that our children can find purpose in their lives. We hope that they can find the means to contribute to the world. We hope that they can be treated with respect, and love, and humility. And if we are truly lucky, we will see them touch humanity in their own special way.
Tyler has found ways to touch people's lives. As I've written about over the last few years, he had a profoundly positive effect on some of his "basketball buddies" at school. So much so, that one young man gave Tyler his team practice jersey to show his appreciation. Tyler also touches lives through this blog. His story and inspiration (for which I simply interpret and put into words) have reached tens of thousands of people around the world. His Bibles have touched the souls of his congregation and beyond. He has made a positive mark on the world.
Greta made a decision, her own decision, a few years ago to speak out for the wellbeing of our planet. In this journey, she has met with Popes and dignitaries. She has spoken at the UN, begging for people to take this seriously. She believes (as do I) that the situation is becoming more dire every day. While most of us try to do a small part, like recycling or buying things we believe to be more environmentally green, she has taken it to the world stage.
Let's not lose focus on this point, Greta has Asperger's Syndrome, which makes the world stage all the more difficult for her. Yet despite the natural inclinations for her to avoid the very things that she is doing, she speaks directly to the heart of the matter. She does so without regard for fame, fortune, or even criticism. Yet criticism does come from those who don't believe in her message. Because her message threatens their personal agenda, she comes under fire in personal attacks.
The Brazilian President labeled her as a "brat". Our own immature leader tried to look down on her saying that she needed to "chill" and that she had "anger management issues".
If we unpack those statements, its easy to see the complete lack of respect and humility that they represent. Here we have a 16-year-old on the autism spectrum who is fighting for a cause that she believes in. Whether or not someone believes in the same cause or not is irrelevant. We should applaud her (as TIme magazine did) for her conviction and bravery. Rarely have we seen a neurotypical teenager take a leadership role in the world, much less a young lady on the spectrum. Instead, she faces the ignorance of those who have no other agenda than to spread hate and evil.
As I have said many times before, despite attempts to call my views "too political", WORDS DO MATTER. And those words have profound effects on the special needs world. Greta represents an amazing opportunity to encourage and honor the efforts of a young lady on the spectrum. And while many people are thankfully doing that, still others think their personal attacks are appropriate. They are not. They are disgusting. But worse yet, they are meant to demean the efforts and accomplishments of someone who was not born with the privileges of a typical processing system. The comments by our supposed leader and others are steeped in jealousy and ignorance, and they should be denounced.
Would someone say that Tyler is just a "puppet" because he gives out Bibles to those who need them? Do I need to "chill" because I choose to take this message and others to the world stage?
Lets give this young lady the respect and honor owed to her. She is a young woman on the spectrum trying to make an impact on the world. A world, which nearly all scientists agree, need people just like her to fight for.
Be well and God bless. Tom
Tyler has found ways to touch people's lives. As I've written about over the last few years, he had a profoundly positive effect on some of his "basketball buddies" at school. So much so, that one young man gave Tyler his team practice jersey to show his appreciation. Tyler also touches lives through this blog. His story and inspiration (for which I simply interpret and put into words) have reached tens of thousands of people around the world. His Bibles have touched the souls of his congregation and beyond. He has made a positive mark on the world.
Greta made a decision, her own decision, a few years ago to speak out for the wellbeing of our planet. In this journey, she has met with Popes and dignitaries. She has spoken at the UN, begging for people to take this seriously. She believes (as do I) that the situation is becoming more dire every day. While most of us try to do a small part, like recycling or buying things we believe to be more environmentally green, she has taken it to the world stage.
Let's not lose focus on this point, Greta has Asperger's Syndrome, which makes the world stage all the more difficult for her. Yet despite the natural inclinations for her to avoid the very things that she is doing, she speaks directly to the heart of the matter. She does so without regard for fame, fortune, or even criticism. Yet criticism does come from those who don't believe in her message. Because her message threatens their personal agenda, she comes under fire in personal attacks.
The Brazilian President labeled her as a "brat". Our own immature leader tried to look down on her saying that she needed to "chill" and that she had "anger management issues".
If we unpack those statements, its easy to see the complete lack of respect and humility that they represent. Here we have a 16-year-old on the autism spectrum who is fighting for a cause that she believes in. Whether or not someone believes in the same cause or not is irrelevant. We should applaud her (as TIme magazine did) for her conviction and bravery. Rarely have we seen a neurotypical teenager take a leadership role in the world, much less a young lady on the spectrum. Instead, she faces the ignorance of those who have no other agenda than to spread hate and evil.
As I have said many times before, despite attempts to call my views "too political", WORDS DO MATTER. And those words have profound effects on the special needs world. Greta represents an amazing opportunity to encourage and honor the efforts of a young lady on the spectrum. And while many people are thankfully doing that, still others think their personal attacks are appropriate. They are not. They are disgusting. But worse yet, they are meant to demean the efforts and accomplishments of someone who was not born with the privileges of a typical processing system. The comments by our supposed leader and others are steeped in jealousy and ignorance, and they should be denounced.
Would someone say that Tyler is just a "puppet" because he gives out Bibles to those who need them? Do I need to "chill" because I choose to take this message and others to the world stage?
Lets give this young lady the respect and honor owed to her. She is a young woman on the spectrum trying to make an impact on the world. A world, which nearly all scientists agree, need people just like her to fight for.
Be well and God bless. Tom
Wednesday, December 11, 2019
Time Person of the Year
No. I was not selected as Time's Person of the Year. The good news is that I received as many votes for that as I did "Sexiest Man of the Year". So I have that going for me.
Time's Person of the Year is Greta Thunberg. For those of you who do not know much about Greta, she is a 16-year-old girl with Asperger's. At 11-years-old, a video in school nearly broke her heart. She came to realize that the planet was in peril, and that our ecosystems are suffering a horrible fate right under our noses.
Greta, like so many others on the spectrum, processes information differently that the majority of people. She sees things as much more black and white, without the distraction of bells and whistles. She is unyielding in her conviction that climate change is real and it is rapidly destroying the very world we live in. Everything else going on around her is just noise. She doesn't care about fame, small talk, or insults.
Unfortunately, something that is lost in the high argument of climate change, is the fact that this is a young girl with Asperger's. Her disability tells her to shy away from people and to avoid interactions. Yet she is driven to galvanize people. She overcomes her own anxieties and fears to speak to a subject so much larger than her. This alone makes her an amazing young lady.
She proves that there is an incredible message inside of everyone, regardless of what they are going through. And that its very possible for that message to change the world.
Be well and God bless. Tom
Time's Person of the Year is Greta Thunberg. For those of you who do not know much about Greta, she is a 16-year-old girl with Asperger's. At 11-years-old, a video in school nearly broke her heart. She came to realize that the planet was in peril, and that our ecosystems are suffering a horrible fate right under our noses.
Greta, like so many others on the spectrum, processes information differently that the majority of people. She sees things as much more black and white, without the distraction of bells and whistles. She is unyielding in her conviction that climate change is real and it is rapidly destroying the very world we live in. Everything else going on around her is just noise. She doesn't care about fame, small talk, or insults.
Unfortunately, something that is lost in the high argument of climate change, is the fact that this is a young girl with Asperger's. Her disability tells her to shy away from people and to avoid interactions. Yet she is driven to galvanize people. She overcomes her own anxieties and fears to speak to a subject so much larger than her. This alone makes her an amazing young lady.
She proves that there is an incredible message inside of everyone, regardless of what they are going through. And that its very possible for that message to change the world.
Be well and God bless. Tom
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