Little Boy Lost

I would love to be able to spread happy news.  I want this blog to be about improving our lives and how others can do the same.  That wouldn't be the reality of what we do as caregivers.  Unfortunately we seek answers to questions we don't understand, and once we think we have an answer, the questions change.

Then there is the heartbreak.  I sit before you with this sadness that I cannot begin to describe.  Its a sadness that is consuming to the point that it drains me emotionally, mentally, and physically.  I'd rather deal with anger, at least anger makes me feel motivated to fight.

We were able to get an emergency appointment with Tyler's psychiatrist today on short notice.  I was able to make myself available whenever the call would come in with a time.  At about 10:30 am I was told we could be seen at 12:30 pm.  For this appointment I would have attended at midnight if I had to.  Even if it were being held on the moon.

The appointment went fine.  I walked away feeling as though we had a plan of action.  What made me feel so incredibly sad was looking at Tyler's demeanor throughout the meeting.  He was withdrawn from everything.  It looked as though he wanted to put himself a million miles away.  He barely acknowledged me.  If anything in the world ever pulled him out of a dark place it was our relationship.  The only time I ever saw him like this was when he would be hospitalized and he would withdrawal as a defense mechanism.  I was able to get very little feedback from him at all.  He left the room when it was over without even a glance in my direction.

Is his demeanor because his medications have put him into a sedated fog?  Is he depressed and feels that I have abandoned him?  Has he lost the will to fight for himself and simply wants to be left alone?  Or is there a long term medication effect happening that is altering his mindset?  Nobody can tell for sure.  The world of the non-verbal doesn't allow for many clues.

Our hope is that by reducing a medication that has the possible side effects of sedation and confusion he can get some clarity.  Maybe he will feel more energy or more aware of his surroundings.  Maybe he can get some spark back.  Its a guess basically, even by the experts, but this is what the team has decided to try.  For his sake, I hope this clears some cobwebs so that Tyler can shine through again.

Be well and God bless.    Tom