Wednesday, August 15, 2018

Anger With God

Sometimes I share questions I receive from readers or other people in our circle.  For the most part I feel comfortable about my answers because I have the underlining notion that I always gave Tyler my best whether being brilliant or making a terrible mistake.  This particular question I haven't fully thought through because it isn't easy: have you ever been angry with God over Tyler's circumstances?

My answer is.....yes and no.

I've had a difficult relationship with my faith.  I try to remember the things that I'm taught, like Tyler has wonderful gifts and I have discovered wonderful things with myself.  You would think that this makes faith a slam dunk.  But then I flash back to memories of hospitals, surgeries, aggressive behaviors, tears, anxiety, and panic attacks.  I see the little boy laying on a hospital bed being held down by his Dad, who he trusted more than anyone in the world, so that a doctor could prod his brain shunt with a needle.  That little boy, red faced in fear looking for his Dad to save him and not understanding why he is holding him down.

It tore my heart apart then, and it tears it apart 20 years later.  I don't know how to make that go away. I can't find the right sermon or hymn that makes that ok.  How do I find faith in that moment when Tyler looked at me and said "Dada" over and over again not understanding why I wasn't helping him?   I want to...I try to...I just struggle to find it and keep it.  I can't help but think of our children who go missing, are sold into slavery, who's homes are riddled with war, who starve, and who suffer from poverty and disease,

Through all of those thoughts I look at Tyler and see the influence his life has had.  He is helping to put Bibles into the hands of those who need them.  He has inspired countless people in this blog.  He inspired children in his school.  He is a blessing in so many ways, and I am thankful for him.

I continue to search for a way to reconcile those two things,  perhaps I don't have enough faith, perhaps my empathy gets in my way, or perhaps I'm just a mortal who has mortal weaknesses.

So my answer remains...yes and no.  Yes I get angry when I think about what he has been deprived of and what so many others struggled with.  And no, I love Ty and would never trade him for the world.

Call me a work in progress.

Be well and God bless.  Tom

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