Living in the Middle

There was a period of time where we raised Tyler in the non-typical world, along with Sam in the typical world.  If you take that last sentence literally, we were trying to live in two worlds at the same time, which is next to impossible.  This may have been one of the very reasons that we knew we had to secure a future for Tyler that would allow him to live life in the non-typical world.  It also shined a light on why the rest of us needed to secure a future in the typical world.

I believe there has to be an ability to bring those two existences together...a meeting in the middle if you will.  The amount of "middle" you can find may largely depend on the severity of the disabilities, the family dynamics, and so on.  But even where there is a "middle", there will always be two very separate circles.

There are families that live for many years in the middle, and can do so with a great amount of success.  But as this graph illustrates, the middle is often the smallest area, and for many families the most difficult to maintain.  When life is riding in the middle things are in harmony.  When the two circles pull apart, things can go wildly out of balance.  When the balance shifts too far into the typical world, the non-typical person can become lost, frustrated, confused, and more prone to act out.  When the balance shifts to far into the non-typical world, the typical family members can become left out, isolated, and depressed.  In our case we tried to live most of our lives in the non-typical world to accommodate Tyler as best we could.  Unfortunately that also lead to our own issues that went unaddressed.  Without a doubt we had times where we found success in the middle.  But it never lasted long, and the times outside of the middle were brutal.  The hardest thing for me to understand at that time was that when we were living in the non-typical circle, we were not doing anyone any good.  We we over-accommodating him, and underachieving in nearly every aspect of our lives.  Worse yet, attempts to pull him into the typical world were mostly met with disaster. 

Our decision to move Tyler to a residential home was to create worlds that we could all live in, and a middle that we could maintain more consistently.  He had to have a living condition that was tailored to who he really is, and not trying to force him to relate to a world he didn't understand.  We had to have a living condition that allows us to be parents to Sam, be a married couple, conduct ourselves as more functional workers, and focus on our health as we enjoy our middle-age years.  Our middle is now seeing Tyler at church on Sunday's, and taking him out for pizza or Mexican food.  We spend short, but quality time there before everyone returns to their circle.

If you are balancing two worlds, carefully examine where your middle is.  If you can live comfortably in that zone, you are probably in a healthy place at the moment.  But always remember, circumstances will dictate how much room you have in the middle.  If you are living in a middle which has squeezed you to your limits, or you find yourself bouncing wildly between circles, you are in a dangerous place.  Don't be afraid to find alternative ways to broaden the middle, or if necessary, redefine the circles to create all new worlds.

Be well and God bless.   Tom