Saturday, December 23, 2017

The More Things Change

Good Evening!

First of all....Merry Christmas to all of the readers of this blog.  Secondly, despite the last entry, I'm not sure that the blog is done with me...or I with it.  So here I am once again.  The truth is, Tyler never stops creating a story, and that story never stops needing to be told.  There may be times where I'm not certain where that story is going, but I have to continue to tell it.

There is a saying which goes "The more things change, the more they stay the same" which is a perfect motto for the last week with Tyler.

We last saw Tyler one week ago at the Contemporary Service at our church.  He was very jolly and loud which is an indication that all system are go.  The plan was to meet him and a staff member today at his favorite pizza place for Christmas.  The entire family would come see him and give him Christmas gifts.  It was the best laid plans...

As it would happen, Tyler once again has been a victim of seasonal change.  It is an affliction he has had since he was very small.  For some reason, between Thanksgiving and Christmas, Tyler becomes aggressive and depressed. Regardless of what we have done to try to prevent this seasonal change, it has always reared its ugly head.  The saddest part of this scenario is that you can tell Tyler hates to feel this way too.  In fact, he is miserable with himself.  Yet no matter how much we have always tried to support him and keep things balanced for him, he could not keep from entering this dark period.  For this reason I believe that the issue is chemical in some way.

I made the decision to postpone the pizza visit for another day.  My fear was that if Tyler is being triggered by small distractions, we could overwhelm him and make matters worse.  Its a painful decision because we want to believe that by seeing us it will make him feel better.  But that is our own rationale and not his.  The truth is we have no idea what his inner feelings are telling him.  It was just better to play it safe and make arrangements for another day.

I was at peace with my decision until I was playing songs on my jukebox at home and played "Change the World" by Eric Clapton.  I felt emotional as he sang about wishing he had the power to change the universe, even though he knows he doesn't have that power. There have been more times that I could possibly count that I wish I could change things for Tyler. I wish I could make him understand the things around him.  I wish he could see how much his Mom, Sister, and I love him.  I wish I could take away the confusion and pain he sometimes feels and allow him to live a "normal" life.  I wish I could indeed change the world.

These are things that have been on my mind since Tyler was born.  Regardless of where he lives or how he is taken care of, I still wish I had the magic words that could change his circumstances.  I wish that somehow I could give him the things that for some reason his own health has deprived him of.  

I wish I could change the world.

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